There are many factors used to create loving relationship. Of course, it helps if two people have some similarities about how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, environment, abortion, and personal growth. This helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes everything easier if the two are neat or both are messy, if both of them are on time or both are people who are late. Physical interest is also quite important. Very good if they have common values about money and expenses.
But couples can have all this and still not have a love relationship or biolovematch if one element is lost. Without this important material, all other beautiful attributes will not be enough to make the relationship work.
This important material is about intention.
At certain times, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoid pain, and feel safe. When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about loving ourselves and others.
Motivation to get love rather than loving can create chaos in a relationship.
Let’s look at the problem of typical relationships and see what happens about two different intentions. Jason and Samantha feel emotionally far from each other, and they have not made love in a month. The problem began when Samantha stated that he wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha was angry, Jason surrendered, and they have been far since.
Samantha’s intention is to have control over what he wants. He equated an expensive vacation with love – if Jason did this for him, then he proved his love for him. He uses his anger as a way to have control over what he wants. He wants to control special feelings for Jason.
Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He surrendered to have control over Samantha, not angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what he wants, he will see him as a good husband and love.
However, because Jason and Samantha tried to control each other rather than loving themselves and each other, their interactions created emotional distances.
What is this if their intentions must be learned?
If Samantha’s intention is to learn, he will not be angry. Instead, he wants to understand Jason’s objection. If Jason’s intention is to learn, he will not give up. Instead, he wants to understand why this special vacation is so important for Samantha. Samantha and Jason will care about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their reciprocity of their reciprocity about why they each felt like they did, they would learn what they needed to learn about themselves and one another-to achieve Win-Win resolution. Instead of Samantha who seemed to win and Jason lost, they would come with something both could live together. With some exploration of his financial fear, Jason might have decided that Samantha’s desired vacation would be fine. By understanding Jason’s financial problems, Samantha might have decided on a cheaper vacation. In both cases, both of them will feel good about the results.
No matter how similar Jason and Samantha are or interested in each other, their love will be reduced when their intention is to control rather than learning. It’s amazing how fast love disappears when one or both partners have the intention to control. It’s amazing how fast it is when the two couples have the intention to learn.
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